Change Through Kindness

Change Through Kindness

by | Mar 6, 2023 | Blog | 0 comments

Have you ever tried to change an unhealthy behavior or a limiting belief by beating yourself with a stick?

You know what I’m talking about – when we treat ourselves like a bad child, we reprimand ourselves and berate ourselves for how badly we’ve done. Raking ourselves over the coals with our own harsh judgments. If you’ve ever tried to quit smoking or lose weight, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 

What happens when we do this is we create a negative child-parent relationship within ourselves. We become the harsh authority figure we need to rebel against. Any progress we do make from this judgemental space within us is short-lived and unsustainable. We may successfully diet and exercise for a week, but we can’t sustain it because the ‘’child’’ wants to rebel against that authority figure we’ve created. We go back to our unhealthy eating habits and give up on exercise altogether. 

This happens because we’ve denied the part of ourselves that seeks comfort in unhealthy food. We’ve denied the part of ourselves that is looking for love and kindness. The part that is asking for ease and comfort. 

Now notice what happens when you reflect on the habit or belief you want to change from a place of understanding. More like the loving, supportive parent. Suddenly change becomes a bit easier to implement, once you understand why you were doing what you were doing in the first place. Once we approach ourselves in a kind way, change becomes a lot more possible. If you are kind to yourself and have a fallback, you don’t give up on your process or yourself, you understand that falling is part of the process and you make adjustments that you need to make, cheer yourself on, and get back up.

This was my experience with smoking. I had been a smoker for years and always wanted to quit. I would only get so far until another stressful sh*tuation would happen and I was back to it, pulling on a nicotine stick for my fix, to ease the tension and worry. Until I realized why I was smoking in the first place. I was getting a payoff from smoking, or that was the belief. Every time I would experience stress or worry, my cigarette would make me feel like I was experiencing relief (later I realized it was just the act of sitting outside and allowing myself to breathe deeply, that really brought that ease to me).

I lost count of how many times I heard myself say ‘’It’s my last one, I’m trying to quit”. I got tired of the cycle and thought I’d approach it from a different perspective. I got more curious about how my smoking habit was helping me survive, or what I believed my cigarette was doing for me. When I realized my smoking helped me get through so many stressful situations and really was a bit of a companion during those times, I started looking at myself and my habit with a kinder lens. 

I started smoking intentionally. I would roll my cigarette (yeah, I smoked rolling tobacco) and decide why I was smoking it before I would light up. I would also thank my freshly rolled smoke for having been a companion during tough times for so long. I would then light up with a commitment to my intention in mind. For the entire duration of my smoke break, I would keep my intention in my mind until I was done. That process lasted a few months and I found I smoked a lot less and eventually I didn’t need to smoke anymore. I never went back! 

What you can’t achieve with harshness, can be achieved with kindness!

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Have you identified your values?

Have you identified your values?

by | Feb 27, 2023 | Blog | 0 comments

I have been finding that we create from our values. What we prioritize in our day or in our lives will usually give us an indication of how much value we place on that behavior or thing. For example, you are not going to place a high value on eating brussels sprouts if the chocolate bar gives you more pleasure. Essentially you’re valuing sensory pleasure more than you are nutrition. 

The entire process happens within a nanosecond, and we usually aren’t aware of the fact that we are making a choice in the first place. It happens at warp speed. It’s all been automated for you by your sensory experience and/or the values we adopted from our parents/caregivers. Sometimes we wonder why, when we have a clear intention, we still aren’t achieving what we set out to achieve. 

What I have found is that a lot of the time, there is an internal conflict between our intentions and our values about that particular thing/person/behavior.  We may have a strong and clear intention to save our money but we ‘just can’t help ourselves’ at eating out a few times per month because we really like the social element of eating out. In this situation, we’re placing a higher value on socializing than we are on saving money. There is a value misalignment between what we find valuable and our intention.

How can we streamline this process?

  • We have to check our values and make sure that all of our parts are on board with our intention.
  • We need to look at how receiving that thing or achieving that outcome is going to be valuable to us, how is it going to serve our lives. How is going to add to our lives?
  • Define your values for yourself – what motivates you to do the things you do? Don’t bullsh*t yourself or tell yourself lies. Be honest about what motivates you.
  • Pinpoint how exactly your intention fits in with your values. For example, I would like to lose 5kg because I want to look and feel healthier. (intention) I would have to then prioritize health and value my evening walks instead of the high value I put on relaxing in front of the television.

Getting our values and intentions aligned may require us to make behavior the necessary behavior changes and if your intention is clear, you will have all the willpower to exercise over this process.

Incremental changes are how we improve and transform any aspect of our lives.

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Don’t Fear the Dark

Don’t Fear the Dark

by | Feb 20, 2023 | Blog | 0 comments

It can be agonising to feel our pain. When we’re faced with the choice to feel or avoid, sometimes it’s just easier to binge-watch that season on Netflix or busy our mouths with comfort foods, we’re reaching for the sensation of immediate relief –  the part of us wants to self-soothe in an attempt to avoid discomfort. 

Exchanging discomfort for the temporary ‘feel good’ that comes with denial becomes just that – temporary. What we are actually doing is avoiding the inevitable because what wants to be felt will be felt, one way or another and in one form or another. It’s like a crying child demanding attention and screaming children will be heard and if not immediately then as something more convoluted years down the line. That toll racks up some serious interest with time!

What keeps us from feeling our screaming inner children is usually our fear of pain and our tendency towards avoidance of it, our inherent predispositions as human beings. For a moment, consider what it would be like if we could see the other side.

  • What if these intolerable screams are portals into an uncharted field of possibility?
  • What if this is the exact moment, we begin to uncover the textures and constitution of our depths, and our true nature, by venturing into the dark?
  • What if this dimension holds the keys to who we are under the guise of pain?

The truth is traversing pain is where transformation lies and if you are needing evidence of this, you would only have to look back into the past. History is littered with great men and women who were not born great leaders or accomplished the impossible because they arrived here that way. Life provided them with the exact ingredients so that they could use them to their benefit and often the benefit of others. They were alchemists, turning their darkness into an irrefutable light.

We have been anaesthetised by the idea that what lurks in the dark and is negative, is something to be avoided within us altogether. To be brave is to feel the fear that comes with walking into the dark and knowing that on the other side is a blindly beautiful light.

  • How can we begin this year embracing our dark?
  • Spend time getting real with yourself: Is what you are doing serving where you are wanting to go?
  • Ask yourself: What is so bad about feeling your emotional discomfort?

Observe your resistance and see what happens.

I wish you a 2023 filled with the magic of love and the roaring courage to be unashamedly YOU!

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Self-Trust

Self-Trust

by | Aug 1, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

What makes you trust someone?

You’re likely to trust someone who has a proven track record to be deserving of your trust.

They have probably shown up for you in the past, consistently so.

You have probably found that their words and actions are in alignment i.e., they do what they say they will.

They have probably been reliable and not given you any ‘half-in, half-out’ vibes. They are all in!

These are all signs of someone who is worthy of trust. You feel safe around them because they are supportive and demonstrate that they love you through their actions and words. You can count on them to be there for you when you are in need. Someone who has your back.

Now turn that on yourself. Yeah, you have a relationship with yourself based in trust/distrust too. 

Are you displaying behaviors that signal it is safe to trust yourself? Or are you showing yourself that you can’t be trusted through how you treat yourself? 

Are you committed to yourself yet? Or are you still on the fence? Are you waiting for someone better to commit to, to bring you everything you’re wanting? To love you better perhaps, or make you feel a certain way? 

If you are, you will always be waiting and you will always be disappointed. You heard the saying ‘’if you want it, you must become it.’’ In the very same way, if you are not building self-trust, you’re probably attracting people and situations in your life that you cannot trust. You must be that for yourself first or all you’ll get back are people who don’t commit to you either. 

How do you build trust with yourself?

  • It starts with a commitment to yourself first. You also have to be tired of doing the same shit you’ve always done. It starts with a decision to move in the direction of taking charge of your life and how you feel. 
  • If you say you’re going to do something, do it! When you don’t follow through with a commitment to yourself, you are proving that you cannot trust yourself (and it’s highly likely you’ll feel shitty for disappointing yourself).
  • Speak to yourself like someone you’re building trust with. If you are learning to build trust with yourself, you have to speak to yourself with loving kindness and compassion. If you are wagging your finger in your own face for mistakes you make, you are likely to repeat those mistakes or sabotage all your efforts. Be kind and gentle.
  • Set realistic goals. You don’t start running a marathon by running a marathon. You start by running bit by bit every day. You do it consistently. If you are setting goals that are unrealistic and unachievable, you won’t be able to follow through with them and you’ll be sending yourself the message, through not being able to follow through, that you are untrustworthy. Be realistic about how you set your goals. Make the follow-through easy.

“If you’re going to trust one person, let it be yourself.” – Robert Tew

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

FEAR’S GRIP

FEAR’S GRIP

by | Jul 27, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

Remember the scene in the Matrix, where Neo stops running from Agent Smith. He turns around to face him and jumps right through him. This was the ultimate testament to him overcoming his fear. When he realizes that he had nothing to fear, he starts to believe that he is indeed ‘The One’. He was triumphant in standing his ground. 

We feel the visceral sensations that fear may illicit, deeply to the core of our bones. They are feelings of the vastness of our being, being squeezed through a very narrow passageway in the cave of experience. It’s our primal selves fighting to stay, not only to keep us safe but also to keep us from what is unfamiliar. You may have heard the saying ‘everything you’re wanting is on the other side of fear’. The truth is that we have no way of knowing what is around the corner, there is no way of knowing if we will be safe or not and that ‘not knowing’ is terrifying. 

We run! We run from what scares us, to a place of safety. Our minds run from one scenario to another, projecting worse case scenarios endlessly, a steady stream of ‘what ifs’. Our mind is the one doing the running. Our fears are based on past experiences. We may have been hurt by similar circumstances or challenges in the past or by certain people in the past and when we’re facing new challenges and people, our old fears get triggered. Those fears are based in pain. Our fear response is to avoid that kind of pain again. 

So, what happens is we get caught in a fear-loop, where our mind is creating these scenarios that are terrifying to us and our bodies become tense, we have heart palpitations and we become sweaty, and the feeling of dread becomes all-pervasive. We could become paralyzed completely by fear and avoid making any sort of decision. We may avoid the situation or the person in front of us. It is the way we are biologically set up to deal with an outside threat.   

How do we choose a new response? Like Neo, in the Matrix, we must stare straight into the heart of the storm, straight into the heart of our fears. We must understand it first, to see its true face -usually pain rooted in some traumatic event of the past, or making of our own internal limitations. We must learn to find our own center in the wake of its presence, our own truth, creating a distance or gap between it and you. Understanding that it does not define you but rather it is something you are experiencing, a triggered response. The mind can very cleverly trick you into believing that it is true, when in fact what you are needing is a reframe, away from past programming. 

First, allow yourself to offer a seat of compassion for yourself, and honor what you are feeling and what the fear is triggering in you. Sit with those feelings as uncomfortable as they may feel, even if it feels like you want to crawl out of your skin. Offer yourself the same compassion you would a dear friend. Be as tender as you can before you begin the reframing process.

Things you can do to move past your fear.

  • Ask yourself: is what is your mind telling you true?
  • Bring yourself back to your body by using deep breathing. 
  • Get your body moving.
  • Listen to inspirational music.
  • Write down a list of what is scaring you.
  • Write down a list of how you’ve moved through similar circumstances and SUCCEEDED.
  • Write down a list of things that could go RIGHT in this situation.

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Your Body Doesn’t Want What Your Mind Wants

Your Body Doesn’t Want What Your Mind Wants

by | Jul 7, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

What your body wants isn’t necessarily what your mind craves. Sounds a little trippy. I was talking to my good friend in Texas last night and we have both been on a similar journey of re-evaluating what we put into our bodies and how we choose to nourish our bodies. We both have given up caffeine and sugar and both of us are doing the cold shower thing. Although I have to give him massive credit for having taken it to the extreme of ice baths.

We talked for a while about how amazing the results have been. It seems that both of us are feeling the same – nothing short of amazing! I will speak for myself when I say, I was completely addicted to sugar. I grew up amongst other sugar addicts and we even had dedicated cupboard space just for our treats. I remember my father doing the shopping at month-end and sure-as-shit, the chocolates, and sweets were on the grocery list too (before any of the essentials). As a result, I had frequent dentist visits. I had cavities galore!

It was only until later in my life that I started learning about how my body was responding to food, after having serious health issues. My husband at the time was into everything healthy and I’d get the beady eye every time I chose a chocolate instead of a banana. He was the one that went to the gym, carried his water bottle everywhere he went, and always had a healthy snack in hand. I did not want to hear his gentle prodding to quit sugar, I could not even fathom that such a thing was possible. After we separated, I started rethinking my behaviors, especially around my body. I was not only feeling shitty emotionally, but my body was really battling to process all the sugar. Like most things it was cyclical in nature:  feel tired and depressed, reach for a chocolate or two, feel tired…you get where I’m going with this. I was in a feedback loop.

I started gradually becoming introduced to the link between sugary substances and the body and decided to get my body moving through running. I reduced my sugar intake to a modicum of mildly appropriate. I felt a lot happier with my body and how I was feeling in overall. Now I know we grow in awareness through time, and I also know we fall back into our old patterns and habits especially when we aren’t addressing the underlying emotions that we are carrying. Needless to say, just as gradually as I progressed to being healthier and more active, I regressed with the same intensity because I was not looking at the emotional aspect of my life. It wasn’t before long that my stomach and skin issues persisted. 

Fast-forward a few years, I started really looking into my emotional baggage, that I was putting off for a while. Ok, let me clarify, in the past I was doing spiritual course after spiritual course, devouring self-help books, and seeing a psychologist on the regular, but I was still avoiding facing the deeper emotions that were there. It was only after I really started getting my hands dirty that I saw progress, and it finally freed up space for me to feel my body. I started becoming aware of my sensitivity to certain foods, music, situations, and people. I started making very slow and delicate alterations to where I would place my body but this time, I had the backing of my emotional resilience. The more I started taking note of what I was eating daily and how I was or was not moving my body. Things started to shift as I grew in my awareness that I no longer needed the sugar or the coffee to support me emotionally. I was already doing that by being more introspective and not trying to use sugar as a means to cope and self-soothe. 

I started noticing just how beautifully intelligent my body was and that it, and I, deserved to feel good every day. So, I decided to quit sugar and caffeine completely. Not only that, I started working out every day. Then I started tuning in deeper and really listening to what my body wanted. It wanted cold showers in the mornings! Yikes! Was that the biggest shift for me! I used to like my showers nothing short of scolding hot, for my entire existence up until this point. But I went with my own insanity and paid attention to the way I felt when I was done. I felt more alive like I had a newly cleaned and reset PC. I was more functional and alert and I felt so much ease. All my little aches disappeared. This is now becoming my usual way of doing things, not because I don’t want something a tad bit sweet or a nice comforting shower, and of course I have a healthy medium when it’s called for, but I am leaning into what is good for my body and my mind. The stuff that yields more longer-term results. Because I have dealt with my emotional baggage, I no longer need the quick-fix solutions that can not be sustained long-term, without hurting me. 

Our bodies want to feel good so that our minds can feel good. When they are working as a team, we are in an optimal state of being. When they are working in opposition to each other, we experience what is undesirable and that can not be long-lived because of the toll it takes on us.

Action Steps: 

  • I invite you to start being curious about your choices around WHY you are choosing the foods or activities you are? 
  • Are they adding to you or are they taking away from you? 
  • Perhaps keep a journal and track what you eat and how you move your body and then at the end of the day write down how you feel. 
  • After a week or two, you’ll have enough evidence to make a more informed choice about your body and your mind!

‘’Your mind, emotions, and body are instruments, and the way you align and tune them determines how well you play life.’’ ~Harbhajan Singh Yogi

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

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