Don’t Fear the Dark

Don’t Fear the Dark

by | Feb 20, 2023 | Blog | 0 comments

It can be agonising to feel our pain. When we’re faced with the choice to feel or avoid, sometimes it’s just easier to binge-watch that season on Netflix or busy our mouths with comfort foods, we’re reaching for the sensation of immediate relief –  the part of us wants to self-soothe in an attempt to avoid discomfort. 

Exchanging discomfort for the temporary ‘feel good’ that comes with denial becomes just that – temporary. What we are actually doing is avoiding the inevitable because what wants to be felt will be felt, one way or another and in one form or another. It’s like a crying child demanding attention and screaming children will be heard and if not immediately then as something more convoluted years down the line. That toll racks up some serious interest with time!

What keeps us from feeling our screaming inner children is usually our fear of pain and our tendency towards avoidance of it, our inherent predispositions as human beings. For a moment, consider what it would be like if we could see the other side.

  • What if these intolerable screams are portals into an uncharted field of possibility?
  • What if this is the exact moment, we begin to uncover the textures and constitution of our depths, and our true nature, by venturing into the dark?
  • What if this dimension holds the keys to who we are under the guise of pain?

The truth is traversing pain is where transformation lies and if you are needing evidence of this, you would only have to look back into the past. History is littered with great men and women who were not born great leaders or accomplished the impossible because they arrived here that way. Life provided them with the exact ingredients so that they could use them to their benefit and often the benefit of others. They were alchemists, turning their darkness into an irrefutable light.

We have been anaesthetised by the idea that what lurks in the dark and is negative, is something to be avoided within us altogether. To be brave is to feel the fear that comes with walking into the dark and knowing that on the other side is a blindly beautiful light.

  • How can we begin this year embracing our dark?
  • Spend time getting real with yourself: Is what you are doing serving where you are wanting to go?
  • Ask yourself: What is so bad about feeling your emotional discomfort?

Observe your resistance and see what happens.

I wish you a 2023 filled with the magic of love and the roaring courage to be unashamedly YOU!

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Self-Trust

Self-Trust

by | Aug 1, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

What makes you trust someone?

You’re likely to trust someone who has a proven track record to be deserving of your trust.

They have probably shown up for you in the past, consistently so.

You have probably found that their words and actions are in alignment i.e., they do what they say they will.

They have probably been reliable and not given you any ‘half-in, half-out’ vibes. They are all in!

These are all signs of someone who is worthy of trust. You feel safe around them because they are supportive and demonstrate that they love you through their actions and words. You can count on them to be there for you when you are in need. Someone who has your back.

Now turn that on yourself. Yeah, you have a relationship with yourself based in trust/distrust too. 

Are you displaying behaviors that signal it is safe to trust yourself? Or are you showing yourself that you can’t be trusted through how you treat yourself? 

Are you committed to yourself yet? Or are you still on the fence? Are you waiting for someone better to commit to, to bring you everything you’re wanting? To love you better perhaps, or make you feel a certain way? 

If you are, you will always be waiting and you will always be disappointed. You heard the saying ‘’if you want it, you must become it.’’ In the very same way, if you are not building self-trust, you’re probably attracting people and situations in your life that you cannot trust. You must be that for yourself first or all you’ll get back are people who don’t commit to you either. 

How do you build trust with yourself?

  • It starts with a commitment to yourself first. You also have to be tired of doing the same shit you’ve always done. It starts with a decision to move in the direction of taking charge of your life and how you feel. 
  • If you say you’re going to do something, do it! When you don’t follow through with a commitment to yourself, you are proving that you cannot trust yourself (and it’s highly likely you’ll feel shitty for disappointing yourself).
  • Speak to yourself like someone you’re building trust with. If you are learning to build trust with yourself, you have to speak to yourself with loving kindness and compassion. If you are wagging your finger in your own face for mistakes you make, you are likely to repeat those mistakes or sabotage all your efforts. Be kind and gentle.
  • Set realistic goals. You don’t start running a marathon by running a marathon. You start by running bit by bit every day. You do it consistently. If you are setting goals that are unrealistic and unachievable, you won’t be able to follow through with them and you’ll be sending yourself the message, through not being able to follow through, that you are untrustworthy. Be realistic about how you set your goals. Make the follow-through easy.

“If you’re going to trust one person, let it be yourself.” – Robert Tew

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

FEAR’S GRIP

FEAR’S GRIP

by | Jul 27, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

Remember the scene in the Matrix, where Neo stops running from Agent Smith. He turns around to face him and jumps right through him. This was the ultimate testament to him overcoming his fear. When he realizes that he had nothing to fear, he starts to believe that he is indeed ‘The One’. He was triumphant in standing his ground. 

We feel the visceral sensations that fear may illicit, deeply to the core of our bones. They are feelings of the vastness of our being, being squeezed through a very narrow passageway in the cave of experience. It’s our primal selves fighting to stay, not only to keep us safe but also to keep us from what is unfamiliar. You may have heard the saying ‘everything you’re wanting is on the other side of fear’. The truth is that we have no way of knowing what is around the corner, there is no way of knowing if we will be safe or not and that ‘not knowing’ is terrifying. 

We run! We run from what scares us, to a place of safety. Our minds run from one scenario to another, projecting worse case scenarios endlessly, a steady stream of ‘what ifs’. Our mind is the one doing the running. Our fears are based on past experiences. We may have been hurt by similar circumstances or challenges in the past or by certain people in the past and when we’re facing new challenges and people, our old fears get triggered. Those fears are based in pain. Our fear response is to avoid that kind of pain again. 

So, what happens is we get caught in a fear-loop, where our mind is creating these scenarios that are terrifying to us and our bodies become tense, we have heart palpitations and we become sweaty, and the feeling of dread becomes all-pervasive. We could become paralyzed completely by fear and avoid making any sort of decision. We may avoid the situation or the person in front of us. It is the way we are biologically set up to deal with an outside threat.   

How do we choose a new response? Like Neo, in the Matrix, we must stare straight into the heart of the storm, straight into the heart of our fears. We must understand it first, to see its true face -usually pain rooted in some traumatic event of the past, or making of our own internal limitations. We must learn to find our own center in the wake of its presence, our own truth, creating a distance or gap between it and you. Understanding that it does not define you but rather it is something you are experiencing, a triggered response. The mind can very cleverly trick you into believing that it is true, when in fact what you are needing is a reframe, away from past programming. 

First, allow yourself to offer a seat of compassion for yourself, and honor what you are feeling and what the fear is triggering in you. Sit with those feelings as uncomfortable as they may feel, even if it feels like you want to crawl out of your skin. Offer yourself the same compassion you would a dear friend. Be as tender as you can before you begin the reframing process.

Things you can do to move past your fear.

  • Ask yourself: is what is your mind telling you true?
  • Bring yourself back to your body by using deep breathing. 
  • Get your body moving.
  • Listen to inspirational music.
  • Write down a list of what is scaring you.
  • Write down a list of how you’ve moved through similar circumstances and SUCCEEDED.
  • Write down a list of things that could go RIGHT in this situation.

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Your Body Doesn’t Want What Your Mind Wants

Your Body Doesn’t Want What Your Mind Wants

by | Jul 7, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

What your body wants isn’t necessarily what your mind craves. Sounds a little trippy. I was talking to my good friend in Texas last night and we have both been on a similar journey of re-evaluating what we put into our bodies and how we choose to nourish our bodies. We both have given up caffeine and sugar and both of us are doing the cold shower thing. Although I have to give him massive credit for having taken it to the extreme of ice baths.

We talked for a while about how amazing the results have been. It seems that both of us are feeling the same – nothing short of amazing! I will speak for myself when I say, I was completely addicted to sugar. I grew up amongst other sugar addicts and we even had dedicated cupboard space just for our treats. I remember my father doing the shopping at month-end and sure-as-shit, the chocolates, and sweets were on the grocery list too (before any of the essentials). As a result, I had frequent dentist visits. I had cavities galore!

It was only until later in my life that I started learning about how my body was responding to food, after having serious health issues. My husband at the time was into everything healthy and I’d get the beady eye every time I chose a chocolate instead of a banana. He was the one that went to the gym, carried his water bottle everywhere he went, and always had a healthy snack in hand. I did not want to hear his gentle prodding to quit sugar, I could not even fathom that such a thing was possible. After we separated, I started rethinking my behaviors, especially around my body. I was not only feeling shitty emotionally, but my body was really battling to process all the sugar. Like most things it was cyclical in nature:  feel tired and depressed, reach for a chocolate or two, feel tired…you get where I’m going with this. I was in a feedback loop.

I started gradually becoming introduced to the link between sugary substances and the body and decided to get my body moving through running. I reduced my sugar intake to a modicum of mildly appropriate. I felt a lot happier with my body and how I was feeling in overall. Now I know we grow in awareness through time, and I also know we fall back into our old patterns and habits especially when we aren’t addressing the underlying emotions that we are carrying. Needless to say, just as gradually as I progressed to being healthier and more active, I regressed with the same intensity because I was not looking at the emotional aspect of my life. It wasn’t before long that my stomach and skin issues persisted. 

Fast-forward a few years, I started really looking into my emotional baggage, that I was putting off for a while. Ok, let me clarify, in the past I was doing spiritual course after spiritual course, devouring self-help books, and seeing a psychologist on the regular, but I was still avoiding facing the deeper emotions that were there. It was only after I really started getting my hands dirty that I saw progress, and it finally freed up space for me to feel my body. I started becoming aware of my sensitivity to certain foods, music, situations, and people. I started making very slow and delicate alterations to where I would place my body but this time, I had the backing of my emotional resilience. The more I started taking note of what I was eating daily and how I was or was not moving my body. Things started to shift as I grew in my awareness that I no longer needed the sugar or the coffee to support me emotionally. I was already doing that by being more introspective and not trying to use sugar as a means to cope and self-soothe. 

I started noticing just how beautifully intelligent my body was and that it, and I, deserved to feel good every day. So, I decided to quit sugar and caffeine completely. Not only that, I started working out every day. Then I started tuning in deeper and really listening to what my body wanted. It wanted cold showers in the mornings! Yikes! Was that the biggest shift for me! I used to like my showers nothing short of scolding hot, for my entire existence up until this point. But I went with my own insanity and paid attention to the way I felt when I was done. I felt more alive like I had a newly cleaned and reset PC. I was more functional and alert and I felt so much ease. All my little aches disappeared. This is now becoming my usual way of doing things, not because I don’t want something a tad bit sweet or a nice comforting shower, and of course I have a healthy medium when it’s called for, but I am leaning into what is good for my body and my mind. The stuff that yields more longer-term results. Because I have dealt with my emotional baggage, I no longer need the quick-fix solutions that can not be sustained long-term, without hurting me. 

Our bodies want to feel good so that our minds can feel good. When they are working as a team, we are in an optimal state of being. When they are working in opposition to each other, we experience what is undesirable and that can not be long-lived because of the toll it takes on us.

Action Steps: 

  • I invite you to start being curious about your choices around WHY you are choosing the foods or activities you are? 
  • Are they adding to you or are they taking away from you? 
  • Perhaps keep a journal and track what you eat and how you move your body and then at the end of the day write down how you feel. 
  • After a week or two, you’ll have enough evidence to make a more informed choice about your body and your mind!

‘’Your mind, emotions, and body are instruments, and the way you align and tune them determines how well you play life.’’ ~Harbhajan Singh Yogi

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Changing Scenery

Changing Scenery

by | Jul 5, 2022 | Blog | 0 comments

When we’re accustomed to ‘how life is’ and ‘business as usual”. We take for granted that it will never change. Just look at the past two years, who would have thought that we would ever see the world change almost overnight – yet it has. Almost every area of our lives has been impacted. The way we do business, the way we shop, our social interactions, and even what we consume as entertainment. Scary, isn’t it?! 

Do you recall how we all were at the onset of the lockdowns, having retreated into the cave? We were a world in absolute disarray and panic. And look at us now coming out again, altered, having churned out a more resilient way of being in the world. 

We are witnessing the steady crumbling of all the structures we thought would be around for a long time. In South Africa, we are facing a crumbling of our infrastructure as our government cannot meet our electricity needs; in the US we have seen legislation passed, opposing the rights of women to choose what to do with their bodies; we have seen a watched the breakout of war between Russia and Ukraine. I could go on, but the point I am making is not a political one. 

Things are changing rapidly as we steer ourselves from one hurdle to the next, our landscape changes with little reprieve. Most of us have been taught to resist change, and that resistance always emerged in favour of our survival. I found The Croods (a DreamWorks Animation) a beautiful story that depicted this resistance all too well… Grug (the father) was challenged out of this belief upon meeting a more evolved caveman who told him it was no longer safe to stay in the cave, that staying in the same place would mean death for him and his family, as their environment was changing. So they set out on a completely unknown path to find a completely unknown world that was only heresy. Along their journey, they confronted many obstacles and were faced with many challenges. They were led only by the hope of a possibility. They risked what was safe for what one could have considered fantasy. We have been so conditioned into the belief that familiarity breeds safety. Of course, why not trust this model, it has gained eons of credibility? And in the past, we may have done exactly that. 

But as the waters of the past two years settle, realise we cannot go back. We are undeniably altered. And even if we could go back, we have grown immeasurably. Our physical realities have shifted and along with it our internal landscape. This creates a beautiful emptiness, a space in which one can choose differently or even the usual. The gift is our awareness of the choice that we have. We are beginning to open up to the possibility that change does not have to be scary and that maybe we are in more control than we think we are. We have become aware of how we can use our creative wiles and newly cultivated resilience to create something entirely new. The lockdowns were demonstrative of the nature of the human spirit as people found brought out their hidden talents and if they weren’t aware of them, they developed them. We saw people from all over the world post on social media about their creativity and artistic talents. Like a new breath to a second life, something quite beautiful was being born. 

We are learning that holding onto our old ways of thinking and being in the world, our comforts essentially could be to our detriment. It’s like being thrown into a pool of uncertainty in these times with no life raft in sight. Some of us have been leaning into new ways of being at the expense of the old. Surrendering all our old concepts of who we are and what the world is in exchange for embracing a completely unknown reality – quite possibly a more magical one. Some of us have stayed in the cave, not quite ready to let go, as we hold on to our beliefs because they give us a sense of safety and familiarity. Either choice has its own set of consequences and obstacles, but the choice remains ours. 

I’ll leave you with this: Will you choose to remain in the illusion of safety, or will you choose your evolution?

‘’The strongest principle of human growth lies in choice.’’ ~ George Elliot

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Pin It on Pinterest