Change Through Kindness

Change Through Kindness

Have you ever tried to change an unhealthy behavior or a limiting belief by beating yourself with a stick?

You know what I’m talking about – when we treat ourselves like a bad child, we reprimand ourselves and berate ourselves for how badly we’ve done. Raking ourselves over the coals with our own harsh judgments. If you’ve ever tried to quit smoking or lose weight, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 

What happens when we do this is we create a negative child-parent relationship within ourselves. We become the harsh authority figure we need to rebel against. Any progress we do make from this judgemental space within us is short-lived and unsustainable. We may successfully diet and exercise for a week, but we can’t sustain it because the ‘’child’’ wants to rebel against that authority figure we’ve created. We go back to our unhealthy eating habits and give up on exercise altogether. 

This happens because we’ve denied the part of ourselves that seeks comfort in unhealthy food. We’ve denied the part of ourselves that is looking for love and kindness. The part that is asking for ease and comfort. 

Now notice what happens when you reflect on the habit or belief you want to change from a place of understanding. More like the loving, supportive parent. Suddenly change becomes a bit easier to implement, once you understand why you were doing what you were doing in the first place. Once we approach ourselves in a kind way, change becomes a lot more possible. If you are kind to yourself and have a fallback, you don’t give up on your process or yourself, you understand that falling is part of the process and you make adjustments that you need to make, cheer yourself on, and get back up.

This was my experience with smoking. I had been a smoker for years and always wanted to quit. I would only get so far until another stressful sh*tuation would happen and I was back to it, pulling on a nicotine stick for my fix, to ease the tension and worry. Until I realized why I was smoking in the first place. I was getting a payoff from smoking, or that was the belief. Every time I would experience stress or worry, my cigarette would make me feel like I was experiencing relief (later I realized it was just the act of sitting outside and allowing myself to breathe deeply, that really brought that ease to me).

I lost count of how many times I heard myself say ‘’It’s my last one, I’m trying to quit”. I got tired of the cycle and thought I’d approach it from a different perspective. I got more curious about how my smoking habit was helping me survive, or what I believed my cigarette was doing for me. When I realized my smoking helped me get through so many stressful situations and really was a bit of a companion during those times, I started looking at myself and my habit with a kinder lens. 

I started smoking intentionally. I would roll my cigarette (yeah, I smoked rolling tobacco) and decide why I was smoking it before I would light up. I would also thank my freshly rolled smoke for having been a companion during tough times for so long. I would then light up with a commitment to my intention in mind. For the entire duration of my smoke break, I would keep my intention in my mind until I was done. That process lasted a few months and I found I smoked a lot less and eventually I didn’t need to smoke anymore. I never went back! 

What you can’t achieve with harshness, can be achieved with kindness!

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

Have you identified your values?

Have you identified your values?

I have been finding that we create from our values. What we prioritize in our day or in our lives will usually give us an indication of how much value we place on that behavior or thing. For example, you are not going to place a high value on eating brussels sprouts if the chocolate bar gives you more pleasure. Essentially you’re valuing sensory pleasure more than you are nutrition. 

The entire process happens within a nanosecond, and we usually aren’t aware of the fact that we are making a choice in the first place. It happens at warp speed. It’s all been automated for you by your sensory experience and/or the values we adopted from our parents/caregivers. Sometimes we wonder why, when we have a clear intention, we still aren’t achieving what we set out to achieve. 

What I have found is that a lot of the time, there is an internal conflict between our intentions and our values about that particular thing/person/behavior.  We may have a strong and clear intention to save our money but we ‘just can’t help ourselves’ at eating out a few times per month because we really like the social element of eating out. In this situation, we’re placing a higher value on socializing than we are on saving money. There is a value misalignment between what we find valuable and our intention.

How can we streamline this process?

  • We have to check our values and make sure that all of our parts are on board with our intention.
  • We need to look at how receiving that thing or achieving that outcome is going to be valuable to us, how is it going to serve our lives. How is going to add to our lives?
  • Define your values for yourself – what motivates you to do the things you do? Don’t bullsh*t yourself or tell yourself lies. Be honest about what motivates you.
  • Pinpoint how exactly your intention fits in with your values. For example, I would like to lose 5kg because I want to look and feel healthier. (intention) I would have to then prioritize health and value my evening walks instead of the high value I put on relaxing in front of the television.

Getting our values and intentions aligned may require us to make behavior the necessary behavior changes and if your intention is clear, you will have all the willpower to exercise over this process.

Incremental changes are how we improve and transform any aspect of our lives.

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

FREEDOM

FREEDOM

Have you ever felt ‘boxed in’? Perhaps within the rigid confines of your office job or the routine of everyday life? I’m sure you understand this feeling. Its characteristic signs are feeling trapped and unable to move.

I used to still feel this way after having left my corporate job and starting my own business. I still felt like I was working at my corporate job; the same terms and conditions, only this time I was doing it to myself. 

Let’s flip that: 

Let’s say that you move jobs and have more freedom in terms of your routine. Now you are free to explore how you are still holding yourself hostage to how your mind thinks you should do your routine or your job. Same experience, but self-imposed. 

Until we start really looking at how we need to rethink our lives and change up our beliefs about it, can we really experience the freedom that is available to us. It doesn’t start with a new job or a new relationship but rather, a reframe of our internal workings. The rest will take care of itself from this new awareness. 

We can have all the freedom available to us in our world, but if we are still playing ‘slave’ to our internal dialogues, we are not free.

Questions to reflect on:

  • How are my routines keeping me from living my desired life?
  • How am I holding on to old ways of thinking?
  • What is the predominant feeling I want to have in my life?

 

“Claim the state of FREEDOM that is there WITHIN you. It is an internal process.’’

In love and gratitude,

Need more guidance?

If you want to work with me 1:1 CLICK HERE to  enroll for my coaching program where I tailor a process specifically for YOUR transformation.

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